It seems obvious that the days we argue, find ourselves on different pages, and miss each other’s signals are the most difficult days in my relationships. I mean, duh, right? Nobody likes fighting or feeling like something is just off in their relationship. It’s unpleasant, uncomfortable and it can feel downright scary when you don’t know how to get back to the good days.
I was blessed in that my parents never fought – well, certainly never in front of me. If they disagreed or ever felt off-kilter I never saw it. I love this about my childhood and when I talk to people who tell a different story I feel really grateful for the harmony that always existed in my household. While this blessing taught me a lot, there’s one thing it didn’t teach me: how to weather a storm.
I had an amazing example of what love looked like and what happiness meant but I never witnessed a relationship survive a fight. I never knew how a marriage could navigate rocky times without sinking or even that a little friction here and there could be normal.
In the first three years or so of Ben and I’s relationship, maybe even longer, we never ever fought. People who knew us as a couple wondered out loud how we could be so damn happy all the time. I appreciated the praise for our relationship success but I could never articulate how we had achieved it. For me, it was just natural and normal. It looked like my parent’s relationship and like Ben’s parent’s relationship. We never had to work at it.
The hard truth is that in those days it might have been easier to live this bliss because life really didn’t have too many serious stresses. We were in high school and then at University. We were only just beginning to taste adulthood and we knew then that life was sweet with minimal bills and a lot of time available to spend together.
As we’ve progressed into full-time jobs with more serious bills (ahem, student loans – the very ones that previously made finances so stress-free.) and a lot less leisure time to spend with each other or with anyone, for that matter, we’ve had to face a new and evolving set of challenges. I think our relationship has faced a couple of unique sets of challenges, actually.
Building a life together brings one set of challenges. From living together and maintaining the house together, lifestyle choices to mutual bills. Building a life together has challenges and difficult conversations built in.
On top of that, we’ve had to grow up together. I’ve talked a little bit about this and probably will talk about it again from time to time. As romantic as it is being high school sweethearts if the relationships are really going to last forever there’s some work to be done to transform from teenagers who love each other into adults who function as a team, whose lives work together and who still love each other.
I think we’ve been lucky. Even with the challenges we’ve faced we really haven’t had to weather too many storms. That being said I wanted to take a second here on getting through the days we don’t like to talk about.
Finding ourselves lacking harmony some days was really scary because for so long we never felt that way and we didn’t see a lack of harmony in our households growing up so it started to feel like we must really be doing something wrong. It wasn’t our normal so it felt like a battle neither of us was ready for.
The way we survive and the best advice I can give is simple: love first.
When the love of your life drives you crazy, disagrees with you, makes little mistakes over and over again or just seems to be lacking something you need from the relationship, take a deep breath and love first.
Someone somewhere in something or other I was watching about relationships once said couples have to fight while still being on the same team. You can be upset with each other and you can ask each other to do better in the relationship but always be on the same team.
When you start to feel like you’re on separate teams in some sort of ultimate opposition everyone loses.
What does that look like?
Sometimes it means pausing the argument to ask yourselves what you want the result to be and finding out if maybe you just have different ways of trying to get to the same place.
This happens to Maggie and I sometimes. We’re both strongly opinionated, highly organized, goal driven and a tad bit stubborn. When we see someone else in the pod, particularily each other, veering off the path we really feel we should be on… or if someone asks us to change ours… get ready for a world of resistance and friction.
Then at some point someone asks what the freakin’ point is and we realize we both have the same answer. We’re trying to force each other to the same destination we’re just trying to get there in different ways. Realizing we were on the same team and had the same goals the whole time has solved basically any fight we’ve ever had in a matter of seconds.
Fun fact: Want to clear men out of a room? Start an argument with your girlfriend. Never seen Ben or Tom make themselves dissapear faster than when their women are on the path to disagreement!
Sometimes it looks like creating a compromised vision of how you want it to end so that even though you weren’t fighting for the same thing to begin with you have created a new goal you can both work towards.
Sometimes it means going to bed and seeing how you feel in the morning.
Everyone says you shouldn’t go to bed angry. I sort of agree but I think more importantly you should never go to bed (or anywhere) letting your anger be bigger than your love.
I hate going to bed angry. It’s a terrible feeling and I never get a good sleep. But staying up all night depriving yourselves of any sleep at all is going to put ya’ll in a worse mood and move you further away from resolving your disagreement.
Ben and I have never slept in separate beds simply because we refused to sleep together. If we’re not sleeping with each other it’s because one of us isn’t home, because I am only sleeping for a few hours in between classes. If we’re supposed to be in bed together, we are. Even when we’ve upset each other.
It’s part of putting love first and living the truth that we’re on the same team. We don’t let frustration and disagreement divide us.
When it feels hopeless let yourself remember all the reasons you’re here. How did you end up together? How did you end up living under one roof? How did you feel as you laid the bricks one by one and built this life together? You made a decision – actually, you made a lot of decisions – to get here.
Staying here is a decision, too. It’s a decision that makes sense with the hundreds and thousands of decisions you’ve made as a couple so far. But ending it undoes all those other decisions. Deciding to leave and turn away from love is a decision to remove all those bricks you laid and unbuild this life.
For me, it was worth building and on our worst days, it’s still worth fixing.
Lastly, when I read about peoples worst relationship days they talk about feeling like something is beyond saving. Another piece of advice in my head that I know I got from somewhere but can’t remember where is that you can build something new. Deciding that your relationship isn’t working the way it is doesn’t mean you need a new person. Love is pretty limitless. When you refocus on love you can assess what parts of the life you built aren’t functioning and focus on rebuilding those and doing better instead of swinging the wrecking ball and walking away.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes relationships end and there’s nothing wrong with deciding that what ya’ll really need is to part ways. That being said, I believe in love and the way I see it love can weather a lot of storms when you are willing to repair what you’ve built when it gets damaged.
People sometimes ask us about how commitment fits with being polyamorous. The question can be framed in several ways. We get asked why we got married in the first place, or if we really value our marriages and how we could value our marriages but still want to date other people. We also get asked how we could commit to our partners when we’re already committed to someone else.
All of the answers go back to one truth that is central in our choices and our relationships: How these things fit together really depends on how you think about them and the role you want these things to play in your life as a whole.
Of course, if you think of romantic commitment and monogamy as being the same thing, then it doesn’t fit with polyamory. There are lots of people out there who choose to have open relationships or engage in non-monogamy of some form but still see their long-term lifestyle revolving around one, monogamous partner. There’s nothing wrong with commitment meaning monogamy for you but that doesn’t mean that the definition or boundary carries over for other people
For us, making a commitment of any kind is simply a personal decision where you decide to incorporate something into your long-term vision of your life. We all do this with jobs, choosing where to live, lifestyle choices like going to the gym or doing yoga, having kids, etc. We are designing our forever. We are deciding what our goals are for 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now. We are using our current situation and experience to understand what we want from the future. I think we all have a few “never agains” and a few “forevers”.
Therefore, in our lives, it’s okay to decide that a partner who isn’t our spouse is still part of our forever. We’re looking at our lives right now, our experience of the past year or so, and our experience prior to dating each other and we’re realizing when we imagine our future, we see each other in it.
Sometimes I get the sense that people worry for us and feel we’re taking this big risk. They fear we’ll get our hearts broken and as people who love us, they don’t want to see us experience any kind of pain, least of all heartbreak. I love and respect that the people in our lives care for us this way and would do anything to protect us from pain. Still, I don’t think we’re taking risks that are truly above and beyond the unavoidable risks of love.
Honestly, from day one I have known that it would hurt if I lost Ben. I have loved that man through a lot of ups and downs. We’ve done a lot of growing up together. If my marriage ended, it would be an unimaginable loss for me. The thing is, marriages do end. When I married him we put ourselves at risk of becoming bitter divorcees. Falling in love and furthermore, basing your life around that love by moving in together and facing the world together, is a leap of faith.
It’s the same leap of faith whether you do it once, twice or more. And it’s still the same leap if you make it with one person at a time or three.
I believe love is worth it. Ultimately, I am okay with taking the risk because I believe in love.
Alright, so I’m cheesy. That’s not new!
Maybe that helps clear up some of the misconceptions about the ability to be committed to more than one person. We generally all have more than one person we see in our lives forever. Best friends who talk about our lives, our dreams, and goals with. Best friends who we hope will have kids the same age as ours so they can grow up together, too. In my life, it just happens to be that I’m dating more than one of my forever people.
But there’s another misconception at play, too. Many people who are aware of polyamory or at least various threads of non-monogamy have the idea that while polyamorous relationships might have many goals, commitment isn’t one of them. As polyamory becomes more widely discussed in the media and more widely known, a list of potential relationship goals such as romantic and emotional fulfillment, support of different interests, and meeting different relationship needs is also known. Maybe you have one partner who is more reserved and supports your undying love of watching movies and talking about philosophy while another partner loves to party and supports your need to experience new things and travel. However, most people don’t imagine polyamorous relationships as committed.
In fact, many of them are!
For us, being polyamorous is a belief about our infinite ability to love and choosing a committed lifestyle is a relationship preference. We could believe in infinite love but not want this “settled down” lifestyle. We could also want this settled down lifestyle without wanting polyamory or even want an “unsettled” lifestyle but with only one partner at a time – none of them gaining our commitment.
You see? Loving one or loving many and loving short-term or long-term are two different preferences. It just so happens, for us, we prefer to have multiple partners who are committed to a long-term life.
This post has been updated. =) Read on for an in-depth look at the topic.
As I was planning out my week I started thinking more about how I wanted to incorporate workouts and good food. I did really well throughout October in terms of working out often and making little changes to my eating habits. The start of November though has seen a lot of that fall away and old habits proving their strength. As strong as those old habits are, I’m fairly certain my determination to improve is stronger.
Update: This is a continuous pattern I’m still working on – a big part of it, I’ve discovered, is teaching myself not to think of eating healthy as hard or complicated. Eating a few clementines for breakfast is just as easy as grabbing a bowl of cereal with lots of empty carbs. Making a smoothie or frying an egg for a simple breakfast sandwich is as easy, if not easier, than frying bacon and cooking up a pile of breakfast potatoes. However, if we let ourselves stay in the mindset that the junk food is an “easy option” then we’ll continue to think of that instead of teaching ourselves options for every energy or effort level on the healthier side of things.
This is actually the first week I’ve truly planned out what my fitness and food looks like based on reflection for what I want. Usually, I am working more closely with a program like the Anna Victoria Body Love app but I sort of got bored with the repetition of that program. I enjoyed it, in a lot of ways, but for a number of reasons I had trouble making it stick.
Update: I’m back with Anna Victoria since the app has been updated to include improved work outs for home (Hello, COVID), as well as adding additional programs and trainers to keep it fresh.
I’m realizing that maybe what I’m lacking right now is creativity and taking the time to listen to what my body and mind actually want. I know I want to be healthier but I’m thinking of how that looks for everyone else. I see all the “fitness gurus” and “health experts” that post gorgeous photos of their salad and encourage you to commit to their workout program. While that works for some people, it hasn’t been working for me.
It’s really easy to feel like a failure when what works for everyone else isn’t working for you. If it works for all those people then maybe I’m the problem, right?
Every other aspect of my life seems to be taking off and fitting together. So what’s missing with fitness?
In every other aspect of my life, I’m engaging those cliches like “follow your heart” and “be yourself”. Creativity is the common thread guiding my work and improvement.
So this week, as I plan out my creative projects like writing, social media and content creation I’m including fitness. I ask myself questions about my work and projects such as what I have time for, what I’m interested in, what I’m craving and feeling. This is a big part of how I develop my writing especially, and how I determine what I want to broadcast on social media. It’s acknowledging what is happening in my life, what is happening in the world and the direction I’m interested in developing towards..
Now, I want to apply that to my fitness strategy. I’ve developed a plan to incorporate focusing on different parts of my body with focused workouts each day, similar to how I did with Anna Victoria but open to more creativity in the actual movements and routines.
I’ve also planned to include yoga in my day because it allows me to reconnect mind and body and celebrate a movement that feels good.
Update: I’ve continued to bring creativity in to my fitness routine. Recently I’ve been exploring how a routine doesn’t have to limit creativity – and actually can improve it – both in my creative work and my fitness. I always kind of felt like working out on a program limited me to just that program. I’m seeing now the opportunities to modify the program slightly when needed – swapping out moves that don’t work for me and including moves that address the same muscle groups. I’m also recognizing that I can actually go “above and beyond” – which maybe should have been obvious but it hasn’t always felt obvious. For example, adding extra cardio, extra reps, extra moves that feel good.
What popular strategies have you tried and hated in self-improvement and fitness?
We set a lot of relationship boundaries based on policing our own and our partners’ attraction to others. Regardless of our relationship structure – polyamorous, monogamous, swingers – both in terms of limiting and encouraging it, we have rules about attraction outside the relationship.
It’s a difficult topic and I think the boundaries we ask our partners to agree to and how those conversations go tell us a lot about ourselves and what attraction means to us.
The reason I say it’s difficult is that I believe attraction is a natural feeling that we can’t really promise we will or won’t feel for someone other than our partner. For me, the more important discussion is how attraction should be handled when you’re in a relationship. I don’t believe we can ask our partners to deny ever feeling attracted to another person but we can set up rules, guidelines, and boundaries for what to do with those feelings.
From the beginning of my relationship with Ben onward the rule, I suppose, was to just ignore any attraction we felt for others. Come to think of it, it really wasn’t a big discussion. In trying to think of what the rules and boundaries were in order to guide how I write this I realize they were implied more than spoken. Perhaps the key was that we never denied the possibility of attraction to another person. We accepted attraction itself as a normal part of the human experience and, if it ever came to it, emphasized our trust in each others loyalty and commitment.
The rule was that we were exclusive. Period. Whatever feelings you might feel were normal and we weren’t policing each other. Instead, we were placing importance on actions and trusting each other to maintain those boundaries.
The attraction was normalized at a very casual level like commenting on the attractiveness of tv or movie characters. It wasn’t a secret endeavor when I went to watch “Magic Mike” in theatres, and of course, it couldn’t be a secret what the selling point of the movie was. Even less so when I went off to watch “Magic Mike: XXL”. Ben never got upset or offended that I’d be interested in these movies.
Likewise, as we came to the time when friends were getting married and bachelor parties are happening I always supported the idea that one party or another may see him and friends going to a strip club or at least a Hooters where the selling point of the trip is no more a secret than the point of a movie called “Magic Mike”.
Was it unreasonable to expect, when we were so open about attraction in an abstract way, that it could also apply closer to home with the people we see on a regular basis?
Actually at about this point in writing this piece curiosity got the better of me and I messaged Ben (because we’re the kind of people that text when we’re in the same house) to ask if he had random crushes or felt attracted to anyone when we were supposed to be entirely consumed with loving each other in the tradition of monogamy. He admits that there were people he found attractive and, being a man, he wouldn’t call it a crush but none the less.
I realize that feeling anything crush like when you’re in a relationship with someone is this big taboo. We’re supposed to deny that we can be so in love with one person and also kind of hoping some other person thinks we’re cute. But it’s our nature and there’s nothing really wrong with it.
The trick is knowing what you can or should do with those feelings. For us the answer was to do nothing. Random attractions or crushes always faded but our love never has. Clearly, our love for and commitment too each other wasn’t damaged by knowing there were other attractive people out there.
It wasn’t until the spark between Maggie and I became more than a passing crush that Ben and I had to discuss what taking action might look like instead of quietly ignoring and moving on from a feeling of attraction.
Even in that moment, in those conversations, one truth guided us: Feeling attracted to someone else didn’t really mean anything about the feelings we had for each other. Admitting that I had feelings for Maggie and an interest in pursuing those feelings never turned in to a statement about my relationship with Ben.
This is the common confusion I think people have for what multiple relationships mean. People often imagine that developing feelings for and pursuing a relationship with someone outside of your existing relationship means that you’re choosing something instead of that relationship. There’s a lot of implications that come with it – if my partner wants another relationship have I left them unsatisfied? What are they seeking that I don’t provide? Have I failed them in some way?
These are normal questions but they also reveal a fatal flaw in our thinking about relationships. They reveal that we expect ourselves to be everything to our partners (and probably expect them to be everything to us in return). Even with amazing compatibility, this expectation might be a bit much.
Most couples find whatever it is they don’t get in their relationship, whatever it is their partner doesn’t provide, in hobbies and friendships. Hobbies allow them to connect with others that have similar interests. Their friends can provide different support than their partner. These things alleviate the pressure for our spouses to be all things at all times for us.
Not only that but they alleviate the pressure without anyone having a conversation about it. You just kind of go off to your hobby or with your friends and don’t identify that what makes them different than your spouse is something you need and that without them there providing it you’d have to seek it. We kind of act like everything in our lives could be stripped away and if we just had our spouse on a desert island we’d never want anything more.
However, in polyamory we accept the idea that there can be romance just as there can be other satisfying elements to the connections we build beyond our relationship and one romance doesn’t inherently harm or detract from another any more than multiple hobbies or close friends do.
Polyamory has allowed me to explore an interest in cars that Ben doesn’t share, allowed me to build a different network of friends and attend different types of events with Maggie. It’s given me a lot more dimension and depth to my life without any of my partners being forced to feel inadequate or think of themselves as a failure because they, too, are able to become more whole and explore different sides of what they need outside of the relationship they have with me.
Now I said earlier most people find needs their spouse doesn’t meet by engaging with hobbies, work, friends, and whatnot. There’s nothing wrong with this at all! We don’t need polyamory but we do need to acknowledge that attraction to someone else or desires outside our monogamous relationships are normal.
This past weekend Ben and I went on a little weekend getaway to Blue Mountain resort in Ontario. Since I share so much of our lives here I thought I’d share our vacation, too!
We did things a little differently. Actually, going on vacation at all is a little different for us. We’re kind of the masters of a day trip. We don’t mind long drives or getting home late so we usually just go to events or go sightseeing and then make the trek home. Deciding to go somewhere and stay not just for 1 but for 2 nights felt like we were spoiling ourselves.
We wanted to make the most of our time there and make it a weekend of indulging things we don’t normally give ourselves time for.
First of all we made room in the budget and also go the style of vacation we would enjoy most by using Airbnb. This was our first airbnb experience and we are now happily singing its praises. Instead of staying in a shoebox with a bed we were able to rent a 1 bedroom condo 2 minutes from the village. Having a kitchen to cook our fave breakfast food in plus a super cozy space to netflix in the evening made a huge difference in our “lifestyle for a weekend”.
In the spirit of doing things we don’t normally make time for I took myself to the spa while Ben rounded up some groceries and supplies. I enjoyed a hot stone massage and a facial at Kalola spa in Blue Mountain village. It was so relaxing but definitely a splurge that I’ll save for rare occasions and not make a regular habit of. As much as I enjoyed it in the moment it was a pretty fleeting pleasure which made the investment seem disproportionate. I don’t regret the decision to treat myself at all but it was definitely a vacation lifestyle treat and not a regular lifestyle need.
On Saturday we found an adventure tour company offering ATV tours. Ben grew up with a 3-wheeler and had a few friends who had 4-wheelers so he was happy to go adventuring on one. I’d never ridden one in my life and so I was super excited to try it out. It was an idea to satisfy our craving for adventure and something off the beaten path. I can’t say enough good things about the company and how nice the trails were. There was a little something for everyone with rugged hill climbs, muddy, winding trails through the trees and wide open well-groomed pathways where we could speed up a little bit.
I honestly had no idea what to expect from either the experience of riding an ATV or the environment we’d be in so everything was new for me. I didn’t anticipate the effort it took to maneuver the ATV. I mean, I guess I just never really thought much about how much they weigh or that grippy tires let you do a lot of cool climbs and ride over everything but also take work to control. You’d think everything after crashing a car for fun would be a breeze but I still took my time getting used to it.
Perseverance paid off, though! By the end of the hour long tour I was really enjoying myself and as soon as we were in the car we were both talking about visiting again. The company operates all year round so if you like to adventure through heat, mud, raino r snow they’ve got a tour for you and a few different options for what you want to drive.
The tour guides were super nice and chatted with us after, as well. People and personal connections can make such a huge difference and these folks are a great example of how good people leave a lasting impression for their business – thank you so much for an amazing experience, ya’ll!
In the afternoon Ben and I headed back in to the village (after a hard earned soak in the resort hot tub!) to try out the “Ridge Runner Mountain Coaster” we’d read so much about.
Check out this article to see why we had to check it out:
here we though we’d be gliding gently down the mountain admiring the fall leaves… nope! We got to glide gently up… and up… and up. On the way down you could pull your breaks if you were really scared but it was strongly discouraged by staff as you slow down everyone behind you and muck up the timing of the track. It only seemed polite to push forward at full speed wondering how anyone could be afraid… then your cart rattles around the 1st bend far faster than you expect.
This moment separates the strong from the weak.
We loved every adrenaline-fuelled second so much we rode a 2nd time before going to get dinner.
We wandered around the village, shopped a little and then returned to relaxing at the condo.
On Sunday we went for a scenic drive and hiked around the mountaintop taking pictures of the partially snowy landscape.
We were really picky about what we comitted to with this weekend. We wanted time to relax and focus on each other as a couple while still enjoying the unique experiences the area had to offer. I think we accomplished this with a few great experiences like the ATV tour and the coaster while taking the rest of our time to relax and do whatever we wanted without stressing out.
What’s your weekend getaway style? Are you a fully scheduled weekend warrior or a worry-free weekender with an open calendar?
Holy moly I can’t believe I’ve followed through on these little updates for almost a month. October has been all kinds of good to me! There have been tons of celebrations and time with friends and we’ve even had mostly good weather. This weekend I get to top it off with a weekend getaway to Blue Mountain with the husband.
All that being said, weeks 3 and 4 have been weaker for my dedication to fitness and eating well. It didn’t disappear altogether but it did get a little sidelined by my dedication to working 40-50 hour weeks with weird working hours and wanting to pour more creative energy into this blog.
Something I really struggle with on these weaker weeks when one thing or another moves to the top of the priority list and fitness suffers for it is feeling like it’s the end and I’ve failed. If my dedication or the hours I’ve physically and mentally put in to being healthy this week are less than what it was last week then I must have failed.
Anna Victoria’s programs work in 4-week cycles so I’ve also started to think in this pattern that gives time to assess and refocus every 4 weeks. Since I’m at this first milestone I want to take a moment to break old habits, celebrate victories and look forward.
I’ve still been following Anna Victoria’s fitness strategy with the Body Love App but truthfully it’s been a bit glitchy and in order to avoid letting those glitches become total barriers to my workouts I’ve started branching out a little more on my own with workout moves I like but still following her circuit structure and dividing my 6 workout days the over the same schedule so even though it’s a loose interpretation of her workouts the inspo is still there!
Honestly, I think I kind of flip back and forth between, on the one hand, liking the “don’t think just do” of a workout plan like Anna Victoria’s or any other app/plan where you just open it up and follow along and then, on the other hand, also liking the control and ability to do something different all the time of creating my own plan.
I’m not sure I’d say I’ve seen hardcore results just yet but it’s only been 4 weeks and as I’ve already admitted 2 of those weeks were seriously imperfect. I haven’t gained any more weight though and that’s a big bonus and an encouraging sign that I am successfully putting a stop to the bad and throwing it in reverse.
I think it helps that I know at the end of the week I have these little notes to post. This and instagram do make me want to do better!
Those are some of the bigger thoughts and here’s a point form version of the small victories and changes:
It’s kind of funny – as I write that title I’m like… uhh I can’t write this, I’m not a parent yet, duh! But then again, not being a parent, let alone a parent in a poly relationship, has not stopped a single person from sharing their thoughts so hell, why don’t I give it a try.
We get a TON of questions about how our relationship affects our plans to be parents. It’s not the questions I mind so much – actually we welcome more or less all questions because we’d rather people ask than assume. The annoying part of these questions is the number of people who ask and then immediately tell us what they feel is the correct answer.
Can I just pause for a second here and tell ya’ll something? We’re not “trying”. We want kids to be a part of our future not our right now. So whatever we haven’t figured out, we’ve got time.
But I’ll be honest. When you get serious in a relationship you talk about the future. You talk about values, what kind of lifestyle you want, what your big life goals are, and what a family looks like or means to you.
If you want to be pessimistic you can imagine a different future for us than what we imagine for ourselves but ya’ll know it’s rude to root against someones love life and what makes them happy. And I know ya’ll aren’t rude.
So let me answer some questions:
Yes, we want children.
No, we don’t know how many but 2 is a good bet.
No, at this point we don’t plan to plan who the biological parents are. Oops – there’s a controversial one. Here’s the thing, we all plan to be the kiddos parents. I’m not going to parent a child any less because they are biologically Maggies or more because they are biologically mine. We all live under one roof and we operate as a family unit. We plan to keep it that way as we think about bringing children in to our lives. They will be loved and looked after by all of us. Like any other couple, when we’re ready, we’ll be throwing out the birth control methods and carrying on as usual. What happens from there happens.
I know people think it has to be pretty simple to just plan who you’re getting knocked up by, but it’s not. I’ve tried to talk on this blog about how each of our relationships is unique and no one relationship gets to set the rules or boundaries for another. For me to say I wanted to have a baby with one man specifically would be allowing my relationship with that man to limit my relationship with the other man in order to ensure the biological parentage of the child. Given that we all expect to parent equally, setting those kind of boundaries doesn’t make sense for the relationships we’ve built.
On a related note, we won’t be announcing the biological parentage of babies born in our family. I mean, why would we need to? We’re assuming that our family and friends who will continue to be a part of our lives as our family grows will love our growing family for what it is: a family.
The world is a confusing place, we’re pretty sure that having 4 loving parents is not going to be a huge problem for our children. I mean, we had this conversation about same sex parents, right? There were a bunch of people who could barely fathom same sex relationships and so were completely unhinged at the idea that a child might not understand having two moms or two dads. But children understand love. Time and time again they’ve proven this to the world. Even the young children in our lives now – children of friends and family – handled us coming out better than most. It goes like this:
“Hey, you know how you have this Aunt and Uncle?”
“And they love each other?”
“Well, they also love this other man and woman.”
“And basically the four of them just all love each other and they’re very happy together.”
“Does this mean I get extra gifts at Christmas?”
That is the most vital question a child has asked about our relationship. Does two more people coming into a relationship they’re familiar with mean that they get more Christmas gifts. Whoa – so confused.
You can stop worrying about our childrens confusing home life now. They’ll be fine.
We have similar values about raising children. That’s a big part of how we know our children are safe from the concerns of others. We believe in raising children in a loving environment. We believe in rules and routine. We agree when it comes to dicipline. We believe in teaching them about the whole world, not just our world. We agree with each other on the important things. They’ll be loved beyond belief.
These hypothetical children will be ours. No really, like any parents, parents to be or hypothetical eventual parents the bottom line and most important fact I can possibly provide you: who to have children with, what our household looks like and how to raise them is entirely up to us and absolutely doesn’t need your opinion about what’s best. You might feel that opinion passionately, you might even be a little bit not okay with the idea of us raising children as a polyamorous family. That’s fine. But if you think that your discomfort or opinions are a factor in our family plans I’m not super sorry to inform you, you’re mistaken.
Okay, so it’s no secret that I’m pale. Generally, I love my skin. I’ve never been into tanning or trying to change how I look. Okay actually I do like a little tanning moisturizer in the summer months to make my legs just a couple shades less pale… but most of the time I love my skin tone.
The problem with pale skin, for me, is that every tiny mark shows. Tiny scar? tiny zit? tiny bruise? It’s all so easy to see so it only takes a couple little imperfections before the little imperfections are all that’s noticeable on my face – especially for me looking at myself!
So this week I’m sharing a few of my pale girl beauty faves! I am nowhere near the super skin and makeup pro’s out there so this is for your everyday pale girl just trying to get by!
First up – Sunscreen! The easiest way to help your skin is to protect it from damage. I swear by Neutregena because they are a skincare company first and foremost so their sunscreen will do more than protect your skin from a sunburn! It feels so much nicer than regular sunscreen and never causes me the rashes, itchiness and acne that other suncreens can.
But of course, sunburn or not, acne happens from time to time. So what’s my fave way to get it gone, and fast? I am totally hooked on the entire line of Kate Somerville products but my biggest must-have is this powerhouse acne treatment: EradiKate. I use this stuff before bed or before makeup and it immediately lessens swelling and redness. Within a few hours I don’t even notice the zit anymore. It’s awesome!
Let’s talk makeup. I’m nowhere near as talented as some of the makeup bloggers out there. I do have my beauty faves though. I really love Kat Von D’s products and I especially love that as a beauty icon she celebrates her pale skin and doesn’t try to change how it looks. It makes it easy to love her products and feel great as I pick up the lightest shade on the shelf. I use her primer as a base for her liquid foundation. When I’m feeling the need for a little extra contouring or a little extra coverage I reach for the concealer and powder foundation (this helps with an extra matte look, too!)
PS. Nothing beats Urban Decay’s setting spray for serous all day all night wear!
I make my pale skin pop with a bold lip – now I know, I’ve seen the bold lip trend on every skin tone and it looks amazing on us all – but I’m here to remind pale girls to have some fun and not shy away from the bold shades that catch your eye! Personally, Too Faced Melted Matte is my line of choice and you really can’t go wrong with any of their shades.
Now outside of your everyday beauty you might want to do a little extra pampering. What better way than a facemask? The Glamglow Multimasking set speaks to my very soul because there’s nothing this boss babe does more than multitasking so why not bring that flare into my beauty routine?
And what about the rest of my body? Girl, I got you!
Since literally like grade 8 I’ve been fighting imperfections and uneven tone all over my body using Bio Oil. It’s a classic. You’ll find a million new products released every month advertising the same stuff but honestly, I’ve never found any that work as well as bio oil. After years of use the biggest thing I can say is yes, it works but you’ve got to commit to using it. Nothing delivers results if you only do it occasionally!
I like to add a little daily feel-good with a moisturizer too. The oil is a great way to fight uneven skin tone, scars, stretch marks and imperfections but it feels pretty utilitarian. I like to give my skin some extra love with some coconut based moisturizer like this one from the body shop!
Woo – that was a lot of links and suggestions for my fave products to show my pale skin some love and keep it looking its best. I hope you found a few ideas and maybe your own new fave product.
What are your go-to products to keep your skin looking it’s best?